Online Dating Etiquette and Persistence

If I start talking to a man online and there is chemistry, I have a rule about never meeting him until we talk on the phone. It lets me hear his voice, and get a feel for his personality. I've found you can tell a lot about a man by his ability to do a "cold call."

I know it's not easy to call someone you've never talked to so I do my best to keep the conversation going. Most of the time the men who have the guts to call can keep a good conversation. Admittedly, my system is not foolproof but I can sense if a man is confident and if there would be chemistry on the date.

I started chatting with a guy online and things were going well. He immediately gave his email and I semi-joked that I don't initiate conversation with men. He laughed and we kept talking. After about a half hour he said he was going to Starbucks to study and that we should meet up. So I told him I'd be more comfortable if we talked on the phone first and we exchanged numbers.

He told me to call him right then so we could meet up later that night. I told him to slow down that I had things to do and if he wanted to call me after he was done studying that was fine, I could talk after 9pm. At that point I had to take my dog outside so I told him I'd be back.

While walking my dog he started texting me trying to convince me to meet him. I told him I couldn't study at starbucks and there would not be a point because we'd want to talk. I thought it was cute that he was being so persistent. When I got back inside he was still online and continued to press me. I told him that I really needed to go and study but that we could talk later that night.

He started telling me to call him now. That we should meet now. That we could study together. All the sudden he went from chat buddy to pressurer extraordinare. I again told him I had to go but to call me after 9pm. HE KEPT PERSISTING. He then made a joke that was semi-inappropriate and followed it up by saying it must've crossed a boundary. I joked back that his persistence was crossing the annoying boundary. At which point he said bye and signed off. I figured that was the end of it.

8:35 I get a text message telling me he wasn't sure how he felt about being called annoying. I texted him back that I had set my limits and that he kept pushing them, and that he couldn't even respect my request to call after 9pm.

There is a fine line between playful persistence and all out pressure. If a woman has boundaries and states them, she should be respected for it or at least respect those boundaries. By pushing them you are saying you don't respect her enough to care and take her wishes into consideration. Unless you're just trying to get laid; even then I don't see pressure as a successful tactic and feigning respect would still get you a lot further.

I'm not sure if anyone is out there reading this, but I'd love some thoughts. Please leave a comment -- even if it's just to call me a bitch. I could use a dose of reality!

Is it all about sex?

A few months ago I went out with a gentleman on a blind date. We went to a wine bar and seemed to hit it off fairly well. He wasn't really what I consider my type and the chemistry wasn't superb, but he was cute and seemed like someone I could go out with more than once. Definitely someone I wanted to give a fair chance.

We spent a couple of hours drinking wine outside, when it started to get a little chilly. He suggested we go to a nearby Australian themed restaurant. I was surprised at the choice, and even though I was certain it was closed that late I figured maybe he knew what he was talking about.

After following him to the restaurant and parking our cars, we walked to the door and sure enough it was closed. He then suggested that we go to his hotel room - conveniently located in the same parking lot - I kid you not. (He claimed to have just moved to town). I thought he was joking or just testing the boundaries and laughed it off telling him not to push it and went home without thinking much more about it.

He called me a couple of times and each time wound up rubbing me the wrong way. Once he called at 9am on Friday to ask me out for that night. When I told him I had other plans he started giving me the third degree, trying to find out where I was going and with whom. Each time he called he wanted to meet on short notice, and I genuinely had other plans that he would quiz me about. Then he would start pouting and sulking and trying to put me on the defensive.

Well last night he actually started instant messaging me. Telling me that I am tough to talk to, but he wanted to be honest with me. He told me he knew I was attracted to him (!) and that he was attracted to me, and that all the dates he'd been the girls have had no problem going to his hotel room...

I was so repulsed I gave him the "we're in different stages of our lives" speech, which he tried to argue against! And he followed his argument by asking me to go watch a movie at his house.

Is every gesture by men calculated to get women alone and into bed? Maybe I've been out of the loop for a while, but I thought men were supposed to at least play the gentleman on the first date. I know men always want sex (or food), I'm not that naive, but when did it become acceptable to say "all my other dates put out?"

Phone Etiquette

Call me old fashioned but I believe it is the man's job to call. This goes back to my previous post but I will not chase after a man, I believe a woman's job is to send signals of interest and receptiveness and allow the man to do the rest of the legwork. I'm not saying I'll never go after a guy, but generally I won't.

I believe that when you are casually dating the intial conversations should be limited to thirty minutes a day, maybe an hour every other day (at most). But no, I won't sit with a timer! A text message is nice, but only if it's non-conversational in nature ("Hope you have a nice day," "You're hot," etc.)

Phone calls are like mind-foreplay to set the energy for the date. Sure, talking all day and night with your crush is great for instant gratification. But if you want it to go somewhere, you have to build anticipation. Think of the dates which you were looking forward to, weren't you nervous? The nerves are part of the chemistry, by getting too comfortable too quickly you skip that entire stage. All the sudden the first, second, or third date doesn't feel like a "real date" anymore, but just like any other phone call except face-to-face.